by david rakoff

"The Tortoise, too late, understood that he'd blundered,
when he felt his flesh stabbed and his carapace sundered.
As he fought for life he said, 'Tell me why you have done this,
for now we will surely both die!'
'I don't know!' cried the Scorpion,
'You never should trust a creature like me,
because poison I must. I'd claim some remorse or at least some compunction,
but I just can't help it, my form is my function!
You thought I'd behave like my cousin the crab-
unlike him, it is but my nature to stab.'
The Tortoise expired with one final quiver,
And then both of them sank, swallowed up by the river.

The Tortoise was wrong to ignore all his doubts,
because in the end, friends, our natures will out."




THINGS I AM INTERESTED IN LATELY

Tapirs sit like dogs and don't have an entry in T9




TERROR BIRDS




"If you ever find a bird trying to hang out on the ground, step on it. We don't want its descendants giving birth to giant man-eating flightless babies."



Shapeshifters

Facts

Things You Should Know About Gargoyles

Defecating Gargoyles

The word 'gargoyle' has roots in French and Latin, meaning both 'throat' and 'gurgle.'

"Gargoyles" the television show was probably very boring

Home Depot makes gargoyles but they are mediocre and cartoonish

I have divebombed my friend's mother's computer, tonight, with pictures of gargoyles.

Ultimate practical joke on any city or township or college: Become multibillionaire, donate an unrefusable amount of money in exchange for the authority to install gargoyles in any public domain. Gargoyle highway lamps! Library gargoyles! Gargoyle playground equipment? All very menacing. I think it would be sophisticated and also hilarious.

world's biggest nose

sugar wife

"and you're walking around with a stomachache for the next six months."


In the summertime I keep microwaves and toaster ovens in my bedroom to cook frozen foods at one am. Tomorrow I have to wash my hair with Listerine.

castles in spain

Give him an inch and he will take a mile.

*give him two inches as a rationalization for your preconscious understanding that he will have already taken a mile and that you will feel its absence in the gut of you without being able to attribute it to anyone-- actually it was gone before you thought to look, and so you can't place blame without examining the traces invasively closely (you can be invasive in your own space, now) and so you can still feel guilty for giving only one inch and so

and when you say things like "I refuse to associate love with abuse" you will not be the only one who knows that these terms are negotiable.

this is what my social life was like in high school

dear everyone please eat eighteen thousand penises and choke on the last one

I have been laughing at this for four thousand hours now.

I won the Two-Sentence contest in my school newspaper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a twenty dollar gift certificate worth ten dollars.