it is actually mostly terrifying to be in love with a reliable person because it means every time i can't find him i am sure he has died

KATHY

"'My wound is inside me. It is the wound of lack of love. Since you can't see it, you say it isn't here. But I've been hurt in my feelings. My feelings're my brains. My feelings're now nerves which have been torn out. Beyond the hole between my legs, the flesh torn turned and gnashed, inside that red mash or mess, lies a woman. No one ever ventures here.'
Her friends, aghast at femininity, determined to burn it out.
Meanwhile, Don Quixote, having found the only true remedy for human pain, fell asleep."

feel sad

dadjournal part ii

"Alex continues to ask for definitions of words; what does 'fancy' mean? 'important'? 'guilty?' The other day she asked me what 'crazy' means! She knows what it means to be crazy about someone or something, but she's aware that 'crazy' means something else. I was at a loss for a clear definition. I said, 'Well, it's when someone is confused and isn't thinking so good and makes a lot of mistakes.' Alex: Dad, you make a lot of mistakes. Me: I make some mistakes. Alex: You make a lot of mistakes, Dad. Me: Well, I'm not crazy."

"Alex has varying interest and tolerance for hearing her parents sing. I sing badly and rarely can remember the words to any song, so her patience for my singing is short. Karen sings sweetly, can carry a tune, and knows the words to many songs, but even she gets the hook from Alex on occasion. When Alex is interested in learning a song-- we only realize after she's learned it-- she'll have Karen sing it over and over, three or four times in a row. The other day, though, she said to Karen, 'Don't sing! Sing to some kids who would like it instead of me.' When my singing bugs her she'll put her hands over her ears and say, 'Don't sing! Ever! Never again!' "

"I was gone all day today but when I returned Alex was in good spirits. She had gotten a book today at Joel & Jerry's-- Beauty and the Beast. She has seen the movie several times and likes the story very much. It is one of the many imaginary scenarios she likes to act out. She will always be Belle, but Karen and I seem to be assigned different parts. One day I'll be Maurice (the father), the next day I'll be the Beast and the next day I'm Gaston, the arrogant brute whose proposals of marriage Belle emphatically rejects. Today, I was told I was Gaston, and I must have pleaded my case well enough because she agreed to marry me. Matter-of-factly she told the Beast (Karen), who took the news well enough (she was reading a catalogue, and when she's reading a catalogue, she really doesn't care if Belle wants to marry her or not). I was happy Belle decided to marry me-- I hate rejection. That's why I usually like to be the Beast. I growl a lot at the beginning and I'm ugly of course, but then Belle melts me with her kindness, I come around a little, stop acting like such an agitated prick, and in the end she marries me, and with her declaration of love I become a handsome prince, which is essentially the story of how Karen and I got together. Nah."

four smalls

One is boring and one is nice and one is mostly embarrassing and the last one is nice again:

-I love midtermfinals weeks and academic exhaustion in general
-I love this song and I think it is perfect. Alec and I danced to it when we woke up today as an avatar of "morning yoga," sun salutations for Madonna and God and the weather. It feels like I just got home! and it feels and it feels

-I also love Alanis Morissette's "Thank You" and think it is perfect. I am a fan of emotional catastrophe as a necessity
-I am real giddy about my own self and being it and having it, I am just what I want.

wine then bed then more and again

i love speed

oh no

My academic career is in actual trouble because the only thing I want to do is watch Beavis and Butt-Head.

This blog is a joke and I'm pissed at myself for ever having created it.

GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD

like i said A VESSEL OF THE PUREST CREATION

Blows rain upon the one you loved
And though you were only sparring
There's blood on the eye, unlace the glove
Say, honey I am not sorry

evil's in my pocket and your will is in my hand

I have been mean all summer! It is relaxing but I can tell the exact ways I'll feel dull when I'm thicker. Anyway, my stomach is in a bad place. Anyway, your wrist is thinner than my circling fingers. Sometimes it is only one thing helps me not to be scared.

europe pt ii

I only bought souvenirs for myself.

Souvenirs:
1) Duty-free carton of "Gitanes"-'gypsy women'
2) Cork-pull/bottle opener idol of Mannekin Pis
3) Tank top with Elvis sewed in

I am dropping axes everywhere I am looking out for my future. Everything is simple! Except, what if I never find a real job? Probably I couldn't wait tables if my life depended on it.

"you can't really stay with the person you leave your family for" -- good luck, everyone.

In Europe I saw my favorite gargoyle!!!!

dadjournal 1992

"Lying in bed next to Karen several months ago, Alex said, 'I love my mom and my dad, and my own self.' I liked that."

"It seems both Karen and I had a struggle as parents by the end of the week. For me, especially late at night, I become enticed and find myself being especially directive, not enjoying herself or myself. I was able to catch myself one night, and remember that it's not how I'm feeling that matters, but about doing my best to respect this child and her feelings and treasure her vulnerability rather than batter her with some of the cranky stuff I got. And we ended on a good note that night."

"Karen and I almost always give hugs and kisses to each other and to Alex before one of us leaves for work or school. It's an interesting semantic (and relational) situation. Does one ask to receive a hug and a kiss?or does one offer to give a hug and a kiss? The other day I said to Alex, 'I have a hug and a kiss I would like to give to you,' and she said, 'Give it to Mom,' and watched very carefully to see if I followed her directions (I had already given Karen her hug and kiss). Then I chanced to ask Alex if she had a hug or a kiss for me and she said, 'Yes, I've been saving them for you.' I was really glad I asked and risked a possible second rejection. The first was not really a rejection; she seemed mainly interested to see if hugs and kisses were transferable. Tonight, we were headed to the grocery store (Alex and I). Karen was sending us off, I had given her a kiss goodbye. Evidently Alex didn't witness this because after she had given her mother a hug and a kiss, she instructed me to 'give her a hug and a kiss.' I did and she watched me carefully. 'Now tell her that you love her.' I did as she said. We were all quite delighted."

Compare this to a review of the book "1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 1-12":

"The gist of the plan is to enable parents to discipline children, ages 2 to 12, by instituting a system of counting and time-outs, delivered straightforwardly and unemotionally. How the regimen is used to stop undesirable behavior, stimulate desirable conduct, and cope with children's testing is conveyed in Phelan's candid style, filled with common sense, concrete examples, and lots of reassuring humor. Time-and parent-tested, the methods are applied in identifiable situations (pouting, bedtime, dressing) as well in the all-too familiar incidences of children testing and manipulating their elders."

by david rakoff

"The Tortoise, too late, understood that he'd blundered,
when he felt his flesh stabbed and his carapace sundered.
As he fought for life he said, 'Tell me why you have done this,
for now we will surely both die!'
'I don't know!' cried the Scorpion,
'You never should trust a creature like me,
because poison I must. I'd claim some remorse or at least some compunction,
but I just can't help it, my form is my function!
You thought I'd behave like my cousin the crab-
unlike him, it is but my nature to stab.'
The Tortoise expired with one final quiver,
And then both of them sank, swallowed up by the river.

The Tortoise was wrong to ignore all his doubts,
because in the end, friends, our natures will out."




THINGS I AM INTERESTED IN LATELY

Tapirs sit like dogs and don't have an entry in T9




TERROR BIRDS




"If you ever find a bird trying to hang out on the ground, step on it. We don't want its descendants giving birth to giant man-eating flightless babies."



Shapeshifters

Facts

Things You Should Know About Gargoyles

Defecating Gargoyles

The word 'gargoyle' has roots in French and Latin, meaning both 'throat' and 'gurgle.'

"Gargoyles" the television show was probably very boring

Home Depot makes gargoyles but they are mediocre and cartoonish

I have divebombed my friend's mother's computer, tonight, with pictures of gargoyles.

Ultimate practical joke on any city or township or college: Become multibillionaire, donate an unrefusable amount of money in exchange for the authority to install gargoyles in any public domain. Gargoyle highway lamps! Library gargoyles! Gargoyle playground equipment? All very menacing. I think it would be sophisticated and also hilarious.

world's biggest nose

sugar wife

"and you're walking around with a stomachache for the next six months."


In the summertime I keep microwaves and toaster ovens in my bedroom to cook frozen foods at one am. Tomorrow I have to wash my hair with Listerine.

castles in spain

Give him an inch and he will take a mile.

*give him two inches as a rationalization for your preconscious understanding that he will have already taken a mile and that you will feel its absence in the gut of you without being able to attribute it to anyone-- actually it was gone before you thought to look, and so you can't place blame without examining the traces invasively closely (you can be invasive in your own space, now) and so you can still feel guilty for giving only one inch and so

and when you say things like "I refuse to associate love with abuse" you will not be the only one who knows that these terms are negotiable.

this is what my social life was like in high school

dear everyone please eat eighteen thousand penises and choke on the last one

I have been laughing at this for four thousand hours now.

I won the Two-Sentence contest in my school newspaper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a twenty dollar gift certificate worth ten dollars.

life is a highway

Things Ryan Ray Did While On A Road Trip To Virginia With His Grandmother

-smoked weed in a McDonald's bathroom in Fayetteville, NC
-smoked weed in various places on the campus of William and Mary
-smoked weed in two Barnes & Noble bathrooms in Williamsburg, once while another person was in there pooping
-drybonged outside an organ recital in Bruton Parish Church, established by the colonies as an extension of the Church of England in 1674:

(for more information)
-smoked weed while leaning against the supply shed that Thomas Jefferson once kept for slave quarters:

-smoked weed at Poplar Forest:

-smoked weed in various places on the campus of UVA:

-smoked weed in a bathroom at a Pizza Hut in Savannah, GA
-smoked weed in his grandmother's guest bedroom
-smoked weed in his grandmother's car while she attended the day's second Thomas Jefferson/Patrick Henry reenactment

-smoked weed in a lot of hotel parking lots
-tried not to listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio
-probably made out with everyone

talk abt weird

In June I am going to be maid-of-honor at my seventeen year old cousin's wedding. She asked me via text message. I am scared for her.

silence is golden

MY WALLS ARE CAVING IN; nesting Situation out of control

· · · — — — · · ·
· · · — — — · · ·

the resurgence

"I would agree... that we do a lot better treating anxiety (some forms, at least) as a kind of beckoning of the self to a self rather than as a symptom of illness." - I am getting to read Walker Percy again and finding my feelings the same. My brains are better this time, though. I am ten times smarter now than I was this time last year.

I am doing a lot of things lately that are scary. I have discovered a well. I am 'making an effort.' I am maybe on the brink of some external collapse but I don't care.

IT GETS VERY HARD TO GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU STAY IN BED FOR 58 HOURS

shangri la

"Well I hear he's bad." "Hmm, he's good-bad, but he's not evil."

spambox poetry

I'LL STILL LOVE YOU, COME TO ME I'M IN A HOTEL!

Nourish male power.
She'll get sweaty when you enter the room because she has tested your amazing organ--Best manure for pork stalk
you are beautiful, because we care

Heat up coupling nights AND Percocet__Adderall
Up and down the heavens they go--and hardly knew what it meant.
Niederer

bakednutria- She wants your ideal loveing machine
I want to come to you from Russia, you do not mind?
Big self-esteem makes her crazy: Reach into her wet grotto.

starc hes fanat icizi ng marit ally terne plate jerid chalk ing
renne t chapf allen sailb oats unavo idabl e cheap ening squel
ches perni ckety wrigg ling ricke ts skirr et digit alis tecta
imper ilmen t bunch e react ualiz e psych opath ic irrup ting
uphol der spur steam boat polyd isper se bayle enthr oning home
coon

You have been my first love? You loved her but now you are not together? "I'll help you forget this sadness!

do you know what i mean

they took it out i am glad but man oh man there has been so much crying around here lately

i am scraping it feels easy but sometimes my eggshells get a little obvious so i have to go to sleep for all day.

things i am sensitive about:

-eating

-alternating between siamesing every second and not siamesing any seconds

-people who extend themselves

-money

-everything

alien invasion

Yesterday I sold my biggest secret to a teacher so I could watch Frasier with my boyfriend all night instead of doing homework. We spend about seventeen hours per day lying down now. He sleeps for maybe twelve of them and I do a scattered five or six. The rest of the time I am peeing or eating things like half of a cake. My throat is never not dry and I hate the smell of everything. It is not too hard but I don't remember how to do anything else.

CRYSTAL YR RIGHT

I feel just like this

this was the inspiration for my seventh grade screenname.

I kind of like this lady I HAVE SEEN MOST OF THESE ADS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A TV

http://current.com/target-women/