sugar wife

"and you're walking around with a stomachache for the next six months."


In the summertime I keep microwaves and toaster ovens in my bedroom to cook frozen foods at one am. Tomorrow I have to wash my hair with Listerine.

castles in spain

Give him an inch and he will take a mile.

*give him two inches as a rationalization for your preconscious understanding that he will have already taken a mile and that you will feel its absence in the gut of you without being able to attribute it to anyone-- actually it was gone before you thought to look, and so you can't place blame without examining the traces invasively closely (you can be invasive in your own space, now) and so you can still feel guilty for giving only one inch and so

and when you say things like "I refuse to associate love with abuse" you will not be the only one who knows that these terms are negotiable.

this is what my social life was like in high school

dear everyone please eat eighteen thousand penises and choke on the last one

I have been laughing at this for four thousand hours now.

I won the Two-Sentence contest in my school newspaper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a twenty dollar gift certificate worth ten dollars.

life is a highway

Things Ryan Ray Did While On A Road Trip To Virginia With His Grandmother

-smoked weed in a McDonald's bathroom in Fayetteville, NC
-smoked weed in various places on the campus of William and Mary
-smoked weed in two Barnes & Noble bathrooms in Williamsburg, once while another person was in there pooping
-drybonged outside an organ recital in Bruton Parish Church, established by the colonies as an extension of the Church of England in 1674:

(for more information)
-smoked weed while leaning against the supply shed that Thomas Jefferson once kept for slave quarters:

-smoked weed at Poplar Forest:

-smoked weed in various places on the campus of UVA:

-smoked weed in a bathroom at a Pizza Hut in Savannah, GA
-smoked weed in his grandmother's guest bedroom
-smoked weed in his grandmother's car while she attended the day's second Thomas Jefferson/Patrick Henry reenactment

-smoked weed in a lot of hotel parking lots
-tried not to listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio
-probably made out with everyone