MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE MY MOUTH FILLS WITH FLAMES

I haven't been able to function independently for months!!!!!!!!!!

I am angry I am angry mostly it is just because my mother wants me to wait until the middle of January to get my wisdom teeth out or else do it tomorrow because in between is "Mercury retrograde" my mother's naivety causes me to spit and get fevers. Also it is a deeply angry that exists only because I am sad. I am usually sad and I like it alright but sometimes I notice how angry will bud from this and then I am raging AND THEN I WANT TO BELLOW BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE MY VOICE FISHTAILS WHEN IT REACHES HIGHER THAN SPEAKING VOLUME.

i have been detained and hazy for a long time

ain't it mighty awful mighty sleep and suck until your thumb runs dry

belly of the beast

I wish it weren't Thanksgiving I don't have the stomach for it.

bellow to urchin

"It was enough to make a man pray to God to remove this great, bone-breaking burden of selfhood and self-development, give himself, a failure, back to the species for a primitive cure."

i love lorine

"No matter where you are

you are alone

and in danger--well

to hell

with it."

Things around here are gentle most of the time, Pee-Wee's Playhouse and poetry and rabbits and mice and kindereggs and long drives alone and stealing a wheel of brie to have enough money for crackers. You were talking I was drunk about getting married and I can't remember if we ever decided whether it was possible but I got nauseous on the swings. (maybe, if I start being able to talk around strangers and you promise not to kill yourself at fifty-five "I hope you hear about it and it makes you feel weird") I feel usually bland and we can't get the freezer door to stay shut but I've been making spaghetti and elaborately decorated baked potatoes and snuggling in with my roommates and watching westerns with Matthew and nothing is imminently terrifying. I used to get lonely last year and this year I don't, really.

"I am at rest

You too

hold a doctorate

in Warmth"

the world narrowed to a point

WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING THESEDAYS

working on my backwards walk, talking on the phone for seventy nine percent of waking existence, feeling weird, eating relentlessly, handling small mammals, reading stuff, ▀█▀ █ ▀█▀▄█▀, getting ready to turn twenty

BUT ALSO

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A BLOG AT COLLEGE

this is my new favorite song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxMafF6mj1E

NOT FOR ANY REA
SON EXCEPT I
LIKE IT OKAY

However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are.

It is a wrenching and a knifebite every time but it usually turns out I like adapting better than getting what I want. 

i smell sweaty

i smell sweaty

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i smell sweaty

gender roles and the patriarchy and Sticking It To The Man

My Going-To-Sleep meditation is called "what if boys didn't exist." Once I become certain that boys don't exist I can sleep. Otherwise I am awake until it's light outside.

Today I said good-bye to one of my dearest friends. Eugene/Anacalgon 9/Power Lloyd has gone to car heaven. (I'm lying again. I didn't say good-bye because I was in the middle of an episode of Lost [which I mostly hate] and it's actually going to live with my uncle.)

HOWEVER. I now have a new friend and her name is Sally Struthers and you couldn't pick her out of a lineup.

New Car = New Attitude. I am going to plow through life with the voracity of a Furious Reader and the veracity of a bullet. HOW ABOUT THAT. I am not waiting around and if my feelings keep getting accidentally hurt I will eat them like a mother and her baby hamster. I will never get my feelings hurt I will meet my husband on Match.com I will write scathing letters to Cosmopolitan I will go to Africa and feed all the Congolese I will adopt a Vietnamese baby I will eat more vegannaise I will take up oil-painting I will never be alone. 

I am just really exhausted and I want someone to pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKAY SO I LIED

SHUT UP EVERYONE IS A HYPOCRITE

I want to smoke all the cigarettes but I can't smoke any so instead I will lie in bed eating a whole box of neopolitan-flavored ice cream and then I will fall asleep at 8:15 PM.

internet abuse

I have watched "All The Single Ladies" on youtube at least seventeen times in the past twenty four hours and it is time for me to get rid of this blog. Failed experiment!

Today my sister and I are cleaning our rooms. The entire time she's been cleaning she has left up a skype window with the exchange student, who just went home. (we took her to the airport last weekend and she cried and waved walking backward into the plane and then we felt drained of color for a day.) Except sometimes she takes breaks to work on a vlog for her youtube account? I just walked past her and she said officiously: "I am feeling frustrated." I assumed she was talking to me and said a whole lot of things back about realizing our rooms were bursting at the seams and then noticed I was interrupting her vlogging process. I said I felt awkward about it. She said, "it's okay, I'm editing you out."

separately I AM GOING A LITTLE CRAZY AROUND HERE

Babies need to be touched kindly all the time, the more you touch a baby the better it turns out, this says a lot about humans I think~@@~~~@~@~@~~@~~~@`

It's a relief, isn't it, relatively speaking

things that happened today

-One of my closest childhood friends was bitten by a shark CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT and my mother used it as an excuse when she was an hour late for her plans

-I realized the benefits of having a microwave on my bedside table

-I explored the universe of potato chips dipped in nutella

I'm afraid that when I'm middle aged I might be hard and brown and wrinkled like a nut.

Something about my guts lately has made interacting with people a lot more fun and easy than it usually is.

SIX WORD SHORT STORIES FROM TONIGHT

-But it walked on my pillow!

-The baby's complexion was beginner's luck.

-Daylight Savings Time Sun Kil Moon

-Vaguely he wandered through the fog.

-Turbans cause communication errors in telekinesis

-Verify this specimen for me, please.

-After grave miscommunication, bodies were lost.

-That's redundant, isn't it, you face-head?

-Giant anteaters look better when backward

-Fake fur/pleather people play dead

-he had fire crotch; I left.

-In Bangkok you kill to win.

MAKE YOUR OWN MAKE YOUR OWN

ALSO. There is currently an article running on the New York Times website headlined: "US Navy Mans Two Nuclear Subs With Women." Within it, the caption of a photograph of a woman submarine captain: "Female sub force sallies forth." I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GET INVOLVED WITH either respectable journalism (FUCK YEAH) or creative captioning.

I feel good in the midst of widespread crisis. I am not sure what to do with this blog.

stug sgub sttub

Tonight I am grieving for [lack of] everyone and I think this is warranted.  Can you please get a little bit closer. I want you all and we need each other. 

I don't know if I should keep having this blog or not. I already think probably not. 

The French exchange student thinks I am naive. She is always trying to explain to me how in France they eat croissants for breakfast and things like that. 

If things are even sadder than I think they are then I might die. 

no one knows my blog exists

My cousin ran away from home two days ago. I am angry that she doesn't trust me enough to contact me. Also I am angry because she borrowed two crucial wardrobe components of mine before skipping town and now I have to decide whether or not to ask my grandmother the sensitive question about rifling through the stuff she left behind. Suck it, Sarah. I miss you TREMENDOUSLY already. Come back and I will buy you cigarillos and you won't have to repay me even though my only legaltender is some five dollars that I won the other day when my dad bet me I couldn't guess what time it was. 

The truth is I have never really given a fuck one way or another about any Harry Potter movie even though I always go see them at midnight. TALK ABOUT A RENEGADE. 

This morning I woke up at ten thirty and turned over and had this tiny half-dream about being asked a question which made my stomach so heavy that I woke up and realized another two hours had passed. Someone around me sometime recently told me that questions in your dreams are never answered because really it's just you asking yourself. In my dreams they are usually answered in a code, often involving the word "chicken," how about that. I can't decide whether I give a fuck about dreams or not. My feelings volley. 

Yesterday our French exchange student introduced me to a person named Pierre who is the perfect picture of all things Tall Dark Handsome and Foreign. He showed me pictures of grasshoppers and invited me to come swim in his pool. hubbahubbahubba. Too bad I can't go because I don't own a bathing suit and I forget how to swim around strangers and I am mostly trying to avoid engaging in cliches and I can't decide whether this is a situation of Cliche or Epitome. At the same party I talked to a woman who dated a friend of bell hooks and she said they were always quoting each other in their books and speeches and she said the friend turned out to be a faithless unethical bitch and then she said lots of disparaging things about political science. I don't really give a fuck about political science but I do like emotional treatises. I want to be best friends with bell hooks even though she seems like kind of a stick-in-the-mud. I think we have all the same Values. I am probably a stick-in-the-mud underneath all my vices. 

I AM REALLY EMBARRASSED ABOUT HOW I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A PUBLIC BLOG AT THE SAME TIME AS ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND ABOUT HOW I AM ACTUALLY WRITING A REAL NON-CREATIVE ENTRY I AM NOT SURE WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS OKAY. It makes me uncomfortable how people are always pretending that dignity can exist in the commonplace. I have so many goddamn personal journals. ENDLESS SOLIPSISM I DON'T GIVE A FUCK solipsism has its place.